Rejection and long lasting singlehood
Warning : this post can be triggering due to harsh statements
I have been trying to be in a long term and serious relationship for such a long time that it seems like an eternity. At some point I felt like I was not good enough and took action by trying to boost my self-esteem.
Thus, with all this hard inner work entering my 40’s should have been easier but it is not what is happening.
Hence today I am able to honestly say that I am tired of not sharing my time with a partner, a companion, a friend. Although my 13 years of singlehood has brought a lot of wisdom, it was hard, harsh and heart-breaking for me.
I have been a survivor of domestic abuse twice, I have the experience of falling for men who had no ambition whatsoever, I hoped when there was no no hope and I kept silent when I could have been louder.
Nonetheless, the most hurtful were those whom I thought were true friends and turned out to be the complete opposite.
Today, I am fed-up with going to movies, concerts, restaurants, pubs, or walks on my own and I give up on finding love.
The tiredness of trying to improve my personal skills such as learning about nonviolent communication, improving my listening capabilities and/or being patient. All of this to get mediocre human beings attempting to enter my life for a quick fuck !!!
The word MEDIOCRE is purposely used here. Indeed, throughout my love life I felt as if I had to play the role of a counsellor, mother, coach, translator, banking system, teacher or nurse without having the opportunity to be truly myself.
I must clarify what being true to myself involves. As an adult I have sexual desires as well as emotional and social needs which are not met by having a one night stand or short and undignified relationships.
Albeit, the negative tone of this post I must add that I also did have good times. I refer to catching jokes, going out in central London and not having to pay for any of my meals/drinks, discovering new countries/ cultures/ dishes and most importantly I became a mother to a beautiful baby who has grown up to become a young man.
However, the price to pay for those experiences has been unfairly expensive and full of loneliness.
For those who are in a healthy relationship, enjoy your luck and I hope that those who feel like me can express their frustration.